A South Park Christmas
by beastlycharizard13
Summary: Its Christmas time in South Park, and both Stan and Cartman have the hardest time finding gifts for Bebe and Wendy. To make matters worse, the kids are forced to take part in a Secret Santa gig, South Park is running low on Christmas trees, the town gets snowed in, and Mr. Hankey never came up to visit. What can anybody do? RFSP episode 8.
1. Chapter 1

RFSP episode 8

A South Park Christmas

Synopsis: Its Christmas time in South Park, and both Stan and Cartman have the hardest time finding gifts for Bebe and Wendy. To make matters worse, the kids are forced to take part in a Secret Santa gig, South Park is running low on Christmas trees, the town gets snowed in, and Mr. Hankey never came up to visit. What can anybody do?

A South Park Christmas

Chapter 1-Here we go again….

 **A/N: First things first, yes this IS episode 8 of RFSP. Since procrastination is often my middle name, and since I didn't want to get this one finished late like I did with the Halloween special, I kind of had to go out of order. And so, I'm writing both episodes 7 and 8 at the same time, with the majority of my time going to this one to get it up on time. Rest assured, despite being out of order, this episode still takes place after episode 7.**

 **Without further ado, please enjoy the 2015 RFSP Christmas special!**

* * *

"So Kyle, what are you asking Santa for this year?"

"Shut the hell up fat ass!"

The boys were standing at their usual bus stop one Tuesday morning in December, when Cartman decided to rip on Kyle for being a "Jew on Christmas"…again.

"Just because I don't celebrate the religious side of Christmas, doesn't mean I don't celebrate the commercial side!" Kyle retorted.

Cartman snickered. "Whatever makes you feel better, Kyle."

Of course, Cartman didn't stop with Kyle.

"So, Kenny…." Cartman began working on an insult for the poor kid. "What do you usually get for Christmas, food stamps?"

("Fuck you dude!") Kenny muffled his response through his hood. ("Besides, I'll bet you haven't come up with Wendy's present yet, have you?") Kenny retorted. Kenny's retort question made Cartman realize that Kenny was right: He really hadn't given any thought as to what to get his girlfriend for Christmas. Cartman suddenly stopped laughing and begin mentally panicking.

"Ha…well…um…." Cartman stuttered as he tried to get the spotlight off of him. "Well…I'll bet…that um...Stan hasn't thought of what to get Bebe yet! Ha!"

Cartman succeeded with his goal, and the subject matter was now focused on Stan.

"He kind of has a point there dude." Kyle added.

"I don't know, alright!" Stan blurted out. "I have been thinking, but everything that might work is either lame, just plain stupid, or too damn expensive. I don't understand why women have to be so hard to shop for sometimes."

("Who said they are?")

"The guy who's on his second relationship." Stan answered. "Cartman, on the other hand-."

"Oh shut up you assholes, I can get Wendy a GREAT present!" Cartman shot back.

("Dude, last year, you mixed up Wendy's gift with your mom's.")

"So?"

("So!? Dude, you accidentally gave Wendy a vibrator for Christmas!")

The other three remembered what had happened and began to laugh hysterically. The year before, Liane had wanted, as you would expect, wanted something she described as "A little something to spice up the holidays." With a little help from Kenny, Cartman had managed to acquire a vibrator from a nearby adult store. Later that same day, Cartman had gone down to a jewelry store and bought a nice silver bracelet that Wendy had wanted. Unfortunately for him, neither item used that much wrapping paper, and as such, Cartman sent each present to the wrong person; and Kyle wouldn't let him hear the end of it.

"Just you wait you dirty, rotten, no-good Jew!" Cartman began to vow. "I'm going to get her the best present a girl could ask for, and it's going to kick ass, and when she loves it, I'm going to laugh in your faces; because I hate you guys."

* * *

The boys arrived at school later that morning, completely unaware that Ms. Nelson, the replacement teacher for Mr. Garrison after he left for Washington D.C., had a big announcement.

"OK class, I have some exciting news!" Ms. Nelson announced.

"Token plays bass guitar for a big record label now?" Cartman mockingly asked. Token just rolled his eyes out of annoyance.

"No."

"Craig and Tweek went swimming in a creek?"

"AAGH!" Tweek cried out as he began to freak out. "I can't swim in a creek! The turtles might bite me!"

"No." Ms. Nelson replied. "The entire school is going to participate in a Secret Santa gift exchange!" Ms. Nelson happily exclaimed; only for the whole class to moan in despair.

"Oh God!" Kyle uttered. "Not one of those dumb things!"

"Man, the whole Secret Santa thing is so gay." Cartman added.

"How so?" Ms. Nelson asked.

"Because you never know the person you pick, that's why!" Stan spoke up. "Most of the time, you wind up getting some dude you know nothing about, and you wind up getting them something lame and cheap, like a pencil or something! Whose idea was this?"

"The principal's."

"Why, because he thinks that knowing everyone's holiday preference is somehow being PC?" Kyle asked; knowing very well that was the most likely case.

"You guessed it!" Ms. Nelson confirmed.

Cartman snickered at Kyle. "Well, well, it appears that the Jew is being forced to take part in a Christian holiday. Oh my, my, whatever shall he do?" Cartman asked sarcastically and mockingly.

"Shut up fat ass, this isn't the religious side of it!"

Ms. Nelson took out a bucket of names and began passing it around to the kids.

"Like I said before, the entire school is doing this, so you may get somebody in another class, possibly even in a different grade!"

The bucket finally made its way over to the boys. Stan stuck his hand in first, and pulled out a slip of paper. Stan read the name that was listed and instantly breathed a sigh of relief.

"Who'd you get, dude?" Kyle asked.

"Earl Davis." Stan answered.

"The 3rd grader that used to work for Ashley Jr.?"

"That's the one. Speaking of which, how's the lawsuit between him and his boss going?"

"It's not over yet, but my dad is sure he can win it!"

Kenny was the next to reach his hand into the bucket and pull out a name. Kenny read the name he had picked, chuckled a little, and took out a piece of paper to write down ideas.

"Who'd you get Kenny?" Stan asked.

When he wasn't looking in his direction, Kenny silently motioned towards Butters.

"Dude, how are you going to be able to afford a gift?" Cartman asked.

("Easy. I'm shopping for BUTTERS. C'mon guys, we all know we can give Butters a used toothpick and he'd be grateful.")

Cartman went next. Cartman began to silently pray that he wouldn't pick somebody he hated. He reached into the bucket, pulled out a name, read it, and flashed a smug grin.

"So who has the unfortunate surprise of getting a gift from you, lard boy?" Kyle asked.

Cartman smirked. "All I'm saying is that come Christmas morning, one Mexican around here is going to have another teeny, tiny, bicicleta to ride to school."

The other three realized that Cartman had chosen David's name from the bucket. Finally, it was Kyle's turn to pick a name.

" _OK, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny all got people that are relatively easy to shop for._ " Kyle thought to himself as he picked a name from the bucket. " _Surely, I'll get an easy one too, right?_ "

"I bet the Jew is going to have the hardest time out all of us." Cartman mocked Kyle. "It's so difficult trying to blend in during holiday's one is not familiar with."

"Oh will you put a fucking cork in it already!?" Kyle half-yelled. Kyle drew a name from the bucket, and assumed it was somebody easy to shop for.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Kyle took a breath and unfolded the slip of paper…where Red's name was waiting for him.

"Ah, son of a bitch!" Kyle began to bemoan his fate.

"Ha, ha!" Cartman laughed. "Serves you right for being a hella douche!"

* * *

"I don't know what to do dude."

After school had ended that day, Kyle had decided to walk with Stan to the area where the Christmas trees were sold each year. However, neither one knew that they were in for a nasty surprise once they got there.

"It must be fate or something, dude." Stan joked. "First Halloween, and now this."

"It's not her I'm worried about." Kyle added. "It's just the fact that I'm shopping for somebody I barely even know; and a girl at that. What the hell am I supposed to get Red for her Secret Santa gift?"

"Well nobody said it had to be anything real special or expensive."

Kyle sighed. "I know. It's just…I don't know."

The two finally arrived at the Christmas tree farm and immediately noticed that the amount of trees that were there only seemed to be about a third of what the place usually had every year. Stan and Kyle proceeded to try and get a tree anyway.

"Uh, yeah, how much for one tree?" Stan asked the man who ran the operation.

"I'm afraid we don't have that many to go around this year kid." The man began to explain. "We've had a real serious shortage, and what with supply and demand and all that, one tree will cost you about $400 I'm afraid."

"$400!? What the hell happened!?" Stan asked in a rather panicky voice.

"A mixture of bad things kid." The man explained. "You see, when the seeds were first planted, we wound up choosing a bad area of soil, and as such, most of them didn't grow quick enough. Sorry to disappoint you two."

Stan and Kyle thanked the man anyways and left the tree farm.

"Sheesh dude!" Kyle exclaimed. "Talk about a major dilemma!"

"Well, I guess I should hit the mall now." Stan replied. "What about you?"

"I need to get home. Ike and I are going to see if Mr. Hankey shows up tonight!"

"Good luck." Both boys said to each other in unison as they took off in separate directions.

* * *

Stan left the tree farm and began walking over to the mall as quick as he could. He had a lot of potential gift ideas for Bebe, and he wanted to try and get as much price information as he could before the mall closed. Stan remembered that he had a bit of a hard time shopping for her the previous year; even though the year before was their first Christmas together.

Fortunately for him, the mall was still open for another hour and a half after he arrived. The first store Stan walked into upon arrival was a clothing store that was a typical favorite among most of the girls their age.

" _Let's see…she said something about a new jacket…._ " Stan thought to himself as he browsed the store's many clothing racks. Just like anybody could expect during the holiday season, the prices seemed to have risen on just about everything. Stan found what he thought would be the perfect jacket: It was red, Bebe's favorite color, it felt pretty snug and warm, and it was even her size; but as luck would have it, the jacket cost well over Stan's budget.

"$45!?" Stan loudly exclaimed. "How the hell is anybody supposed to afford that!?"

A store associate walked by, as he had heard Stan's outburst, and wondered if he needed any assistance.

"Can I help you with something, kid?" the employee asked.

"Yeah, do you have anything that's not jacked up in price?" Stan asked as annoyed as he could.

"Even if we did, it's likely not anything you're looking for." The employee answered. "Sorry kid, but that's part of what makes the holidays function, you know? Believe me; I hate it as much as you do."

"Who set this price?" Stan asked.

"Pfft, I don't know! It certainly wasn't me, that's for sure!" The employee then lowered his head to Stan's ear and began to whisper. "Although…I did hear something about somebody supposedly selling Christmas items real cheap…you didn't hear this from me, but I think he's taken up shop in one of the storage units. Just remember…you didn't hear this from me, alright?"

"Uh…sure."

The employee scrawled down a number on a small slip of paper and gave it to Stan.

"Good luck."

Stan left the store and looked at the paper. "Unit 243" was written on it.

"Pfft, I don't need this." Stan shrugged as he confidently threw the paper away. He was sure that he could find an affordable present somewhere; and so he continued onto the next store of interest. Once he stepped inside, he headed over for the women's section. He was sorting through a set of clothes on a display rack, when something heavy bumped into him from behind; causing both him and the unidentified person to stumble and fall.

"Watch where you're going dude!" Stan exclaimed to the person.

"Ay, shut up asshole!" boomed an all too familiar voice.

"Cartman?" Stan realized who had bumped into him; as well as the fact that Cartman had dropped a few bras that he was carrying. Stan looked at the bras that were strewn over his body and began to laugh.

"Ay, what the hell's so funny!?"

"What the hell are you doing dude?" Stan asked with a laugh.

"Gee, let me think…." Cartman replied sarcastically. "What did I say this morning? That I was going to get a kick-ass gift for Wendy? Gosh, that must've been it! Seriously, you need to stop hanging around the Jew too much; you get all your stupidity from him."

"You're getting Wendy a bra?"

"No you dumbass, these are for my mom!"

"Right…." Stan casually replied with a smirk.

"Just you watch Stan!" Cartman began to vow once again. "I AM going to get Wendy something hella cool!"

"Stop saying hella, fat ass!"

"No way, hella is a hella cool word!" Cartman replied as he walked away.

" _He's probably just using the bras for some kind of prank on Kyle or Butters._ " Stan thought to himself as Cartman walked off.

Stan had hit three additional stores by the time he left, and suffice to say, he hadn't found anything both great and affordable in any of them.

"First the Christmas trees, and now this? Man, this Christmas is starting to suck ass…."

* * *

 **A/N: And the first chapter's done! Hopefully, I can get this done on time and have it well written too.**

 **Besides that, what do you think so far? Please review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

RFSP episode #108

A South Park Christmas

Chapter 2-Problems arise

* * *

Later that night, Kyle and Ike found themselves staring into their toilet as they eagerly and patiently awaited the arrival of their fecal friend.

"Where's the poo man?" Ike asked.

"I don't know Ike." Kyle answered. "I'm…sure he'll be up…eventually." The boys had been waiting for Mr. Hankey for the past two hours.

"I don't get it." Kyle began to worry. "It's three days before Christmas! This is when he usually shows up! I mean, I know he's got a family and shit-." Kyle paused as he and Ike laughed at Kyle's unintended pun. "But he still at least makes an effort every year! What the hell's going on down there?"

The boys had stared at the clear colored toilet water for another twenty minutes when Sheila and Gerald came in to check on them.

"It's getting late boys." Gerald notified them both. "I'd think that if your little friend was going to show up, he'd be here by now."

"I just don't get it dad!" Kyle replied. "Even with his kids and insane wife, he's still managed to emerge every year! What the heck do you think is taking him so long?"

"Well…."

"He'll show up!" Kyle confidently continued. "He's going to be here any second now! I just know it!"

"Well…alright then." Gerald continued. "Don't stay up too long!"

"OK!"

Sheila and Gerald left the room, leaving Kyle and Ike to continue staring into the toilet once more.

" _Maybe I can ask Mr. Hankey what I should get Red for the Secret Santa exchange…if he ever shows up…._ "

Another thirty minutes had gone by, and still no trace of the scent of poop had come out of the toilet. Kyle decided to try a new tactic; and began to yell into the toilet.

"Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankeeeeeyyyyy! Are you down there?"

Kyle waited a few seconds and tried again when he heard no reply.

"MR. HANKEY! MR. HANKEEEYYYY!" Kyle screamed even louder, this time with Ike accompanying.

"Autumn!" Kyle began to shout the names of the rest of the Hankey family. "Simon!? Amber!? Cornwallis!? Is anybody down there!?"

Ike began to look pretty sad. "Don't worry Ike!" Kyle attempted to reassure the young Canadian. "He'll get here!"

The boys stayed up waiting for Mr. Hankey for another 2 hours and had both fallen asleep by 2 A.M. Kyle had fallen asleep rather disappointed and worried, not knowing whatever had happened to the Hankey's. At 2:30 A.M., Gerald and Sheila walked in and took the sleeping boys up to their rooms; being careful not to wake either of them up in the process.

* * *

It was at that same moment that Gerald and Sheila were putting Ike and Kyle to bed, that Stan had suddenly woken up. Stan just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but something in his mind kept bugging him; preventing him from sleeping.

" _Unit 243…._ " Kept ringing through his head. " _Unit 243…Unit 243…Unit 243…._ "

The storage unit that the mall employee had mentioned kept running through his memory; as if it were beckoning Stan to investigate. Stan tried to think of something else, anything else, to get his mind off of it so he could fall back asleep, but to no avail. Sighing, he got out of bed, grabbed his coat, and crept out of the house as quietly as he could.

He walked the somewhat long distance from his house to the storage complex.

"Wait, hold on…what the hell am I doing? It's probably not even open right now."

Stan pulled out the scrap of paper that the mall employee gave to him and noticed that he had also scribbled some numbers on it. "Open until the 24th, from 11 P.M. to 3 A.M. each night" was scribbled on the piece of paper.

"No, I'm not doing this. One way or another, I'm going to find something affordable." Stan began to walk away, but was quickly stopped by his thoughts.

" _No, just keep walking. Don't look back, it will only tempt you more dude. Although…no, just go back home. No…those mall prices were too high…and besides…this…operation sounds a bit sketchy…no telling who runs it…need to get Christmas gifts…oh…oh…oh fuck it!_ "

Stan turned back around and headed back towards the storage complex. As you would expect at such a late hour, the main entrance gate was closed. Stan shrugged and began to climb over the fence. Stan dropped down to the other side once he had climbed up to the top. Stan began to search for Unit 243 and it didn't take him very long to find; despite the unit itself being in a back corner. Stan slowly approached the door, unsure of what to expect, and cautiously knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" a voice asked from what sounded like the back of the unit.

"Uh…yeah, hi. I heard that you were selling cheap Christmas items, or something?"

A pause. "Who told you that? How'd you know that that's what I'm doing?"

"Because you just told me, stupid."

"…son of a bitch. Fine, just give me two seconds and I'll let you in."

A couple of seconds later, the unit's garage-like door began to roll up, revealing what lied inside. Stan walked in (with the door closing behind him) and stumbled a bit in the dark before a light was turned on. Stan got his bearings straight and looked around.

"Whoa…." Stan exclaimed as he noticed a few items from just about every category had been strung about and put up on display.

"Stan? How the hell did you find this place?"

Stan whirled around and gazed upon the identity of the entity running the miniature black market-esque room. The stranger's identity wound up being no surprise to Stan; not a complete surprise anyways.

"Cartman? You're the one behind this?" Stan asked.

"Well, well, well. I should have known you would show up." Cartman stated.

"What exactly are you doing? Where the hell did you get all this stuff from?"

"What's it look like I'm doing dumb ass?" Cartman asked. "Clearly, I gathered a bunch of stuff that I imagine people would want to buy somebody for Christmas and I'm selling them here."

"But…why?"

Cartman sighed out of annoyance and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Are you seriously this dense dude? What was the very thing that YOU were complaining about at the mall earlier?"

"The prices?"

"Exactly! With any luck, people will give up on the store prices, and will buy everything they need right here for a cheap price. If I sell enough stuff, I just might make it big!"

Stan rolled his eyes, no doubt in his mind that Cartman's scheme wouldn't net him any profits.

"Where exactly did you get all this stuff?" Stan asked, having no idea how Cartman could have acquired such a horde.

"Ha! You think I bought any of this?" Cartman snickered. "Well, OK, I did buy a few things, but most of this stuff is just my mom and I's old stuff from the basement."

"You think a grown man is going to buy your mom's old clothes?"

"That's just it though…they don't know it's not men's clothing." Cartman answered with a smirk.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well good luck actually getting something from this."

Stan hung around for a bit anyways, hanging onto one small thread of hope that Cartman might have something he could get someone. He finally just gave up and left the unit and proceeded to head back home.

"Black market Christmas...what the hell hasn't that fat ass done yet?" Stan thought out loud on the way home.

* * *

The next morning, Kyle was eating his bowl of cereal on the couch while watching the news, when the reporter said something that piqued his interest; to say the least.

"Where are all the trees?" the reporter began. "Reports of shortages of Christmas trees during the last week have been sprouting up all over Park County. Nobody seems to know what's causing this, but from what we can tell, the soil conditions weren't the best to grow Christmas trees in."

"Yeesh!" Kyle exclaimed.

"As for the weather, radar has just confirmed that a huge blizzard is expected to hit sometime tomorrow on Christmas Eve. Towns are being advised to stay warm, stock up, and be prepared for whatever might happen."

"What!? Oh no!"

Kyle realized that he basically only had 24 hours to get Red a gift and find out what happened to Mr. Hankey. He quickly put his coat on and dashed outside. Kyle texted Stan, Kenny, and Cartman, telling them to meet up at the sewer entrance by their bus stop. All three of them were a little hesitant to come along though, as they had plenty of Christmas shopping to do, and with the fear of the possible upcoming blizzard, they all figured that the stores were going to be packed to the brim.

The boys entered the sewers and made their way over to where Mr. Hankey's house was; with Cartman constantly reminding Kenny that the sewers smelled like his house, much to Kenny's offense.

("What exactly makes you sure that he's down here?") Kenny asked Kyle as the four of them trekked through the murky waters. ("If he didn't show up last night, he could've left completely!")

"I don't think he'd do that without telling us first!" Kyle answered as confidently as he could.

The quartet finally got to Mr. Hankey's house. Kyle lightly tapped on the door.

"Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey? Are you in there? Hello? Is anybody in there?" Kyle called out as he tapped on the door again. A few minutes went by and nothing else happened.

Kyle scratched his head. "This doesn't make any sense" Kyle had really begun to worry at that point. "Where the hell did they all go?"

"I'm sure they're fine dude…wherever they are." Stan tried to reassure him.

("Hey look! Is that a note?") Kenny pointed to a piece of paper lying right next to the tiny house. Kyle picked it up and read it aloud.

"Dear Kyle." The note began. "I've had something unexpected come up at the last minute. Remember when the film critics came and the stuff they were flushing was making me sick? Well the same thing happened again, except it didn't happen to me this time, it happened to Simon. I don't know what's going on up on the surface, but I needed to get Simon out of here as quick as I could. You see, Simon's immune system isn't entirely great, so he caught the sickness pretty quick. I had to get him out of here, so I took the whole family up North for a little bit until Simon gets better. I apologize if I'm not able to make it back in time for Christmas, but hopefully Simon's illness will wear off soon and we can come back home. And hopefully my damn wife will stop begging me to give her some of Simon's pills…that bitch is so high maintenance. Yours truly, Mr. Hankey."

"Well, there you go Jew boy." Cartman added. "This Christmas just got a whole lot shittier."

Kyle just sighed out of disappointment and started to head back to the sewer access they had used.

* * *

The four boys headed over to the mall once they got back to the surface.

"So…there's a blizzard that's supposed to hit tomorrow?" Stan asked Kyle.

"That's what the news said." Kyle sighed. "As if this Christmas couldn't get any worse."

Just as they had expected, due to the imminent threat of the blizzard, the mall was seriously crowded.

"I just don't know Stan." Kyle confessed. "I have no clue on what to get for Red. You're much more experienced with shopping for girls then I'll ever be. Surely you must have some advice…right?" Kyle asked with a hint of disparity lingering in his voice.

"Dude, it's a Secret Santa gift, chill out."

"Huh?"

"Since when does anyone get the person they chose something more than $15? Nobody said you had to get her anything special, so just…I don't know…get her some candy or something. Get her something anybody would like."

"I know, but it's just…I feel like it should be something more than generic, you know?"

"Well if it means that much to you, just get her something that has some kind of meaning to it."

"But I hardly know her!"

"And I didn't know a whole lot about Bebe when we first got together. And even so, I wound up getting her a good gift last year."

"How though?"

"I got her a gift…with a message of sorts."

"Huh?" Kyle tried to ask Stan what that meant, but Stan had already started walking away towards a store.

"Message…what?" Kyle contemplated.

* * *

Meanwhile, Stan ad gone into a different clothing store, and just like the mall itself, that particular store was jam packed. Stan looked around and noticed that the store seemed to have lowered their prices in response to the fear of the upcoming blizzard. Because of that, the store had actually turned into a shopping frenzy; complete with people scurrying about trying to scoop up the discount items.

" _Looks like I've been given a second chance…I just need to make sure I don't lose my sanity in here._ " Stan thought to himself. " _Considering the situation I'm in, I guess I wouldn't be surprised if-._ "

Stan stopped mid-thought and turned around to have his suspicions confirmed. Sure enough, there was Cartman, trying to avoid the panic as he attempted to get Wendy's gift. Stan felt his jaw drop when he saw Cartman pick out a scarf that he thought might work, but ultimately neglected the idea and put it back where he found it.

Not wanting Cartman to interfere with his gift ideas, Stan tried to silently slip by him, but to no avail.

"Well, well, well, well, well!" Cartman stated once he saw Stan. "Look who should've gotten something from me last night and is now just as uptight as everyone else here!"

"What do you want fat ass?" Stan asked.

"Oh nothing…I'm just making sure that you don't beat me to whatever I might get for Wendy."

"Pfft, please I've had way more experience with girls then you ever will!" Stan shot back.

"So? 'Experience' doesn't mean 'ultimate shopper' dumb ass! Well, not to me anyways."

Stan just realized that that he had actually looked at that scarf the day before. He had thought it would work, but it was just as expensive as everything else he had seen that day.

"You're…not going to get Wendy that scarf, are you?" Stan asked.

"Why the hell do you-oh I get it!" Cartman realized Stan's intent and flashed him a smirk in response. "You're trying to get that for Bebe aren't you?"

"Uh-."

"Well I wasn't going to get it, but now that you want it, I may as well!" Cartman taunted as he grabbed the scarf.

"Hey!"

"Finders keepers, loser's weepers, asshole!"

Stan narrowed his eyebrows, realizing he had entered some kind of competition.

"Alright then Cartman…if that's how it's going to be…hey look over there!"

Much to Stan's surprise, Cartman fell for it. Cartman turned around, giving Stan the opportunity he needed to punch Cartman's stomach and grab the scarf while he was stunned.

"Hey!" Cartman called after him. The boys then began to fight over the scarf like a couple of other people were doing over other things in the store. At one point, Kyle and Kenny walked by and observed them fighting. Kyle just groaned saying that he could totally see Cartman doing that, but not Stan. Kenny just thought it was hilarious and recorded a video of it.

Eventually, Stan came out on top and had worn Cartman down. Cartman finally gave in, flipped off Stan (and Kenny when he saw him videoing the whole thing), and left the store to try his luck elsewhere. Stan triumphantly walked up to the counter and paid the reduced $20 price for the scarf.

"I must say, as…dumb as the two of you looked, I'm kind of impressed dude." Kyle stated when Stan walked out.

"Eh, you would've done the same. You hit him more often than I do." Stan replied. "Thought of anything for Red?"

"No…but I'm finally starting to get an idea…."

* * *

Cartman didn't bother hitting any other stores.

" _Fucking asshole…._ " He mumbled to himself. " _I should've grabbed that god-damn scarf when I had the chance! Now what am I going to do?_ "

Cartman headed back home, realizing that his mom probably had dinner ready for him. Sure enough, he smelled something delicious the moment he walked in the door.

"Is that you Eric?" Liane called out from the kitchen.

"Yeah, it's me, mom."

"You're just in time sweetie! I made you some chocolate donut pot pie surprise!"

Cartman took his seat at the table where his food was waiting for him. Mr. Kitty strolled in and began to meow.

"No Mr. Kitty! This is MY pot pie!"

Mr. Kitty kept meowing anyway.

"No Mr. Kitty! That's a bad Mr. Kitty!"

Mr. Kitty meowed yet again.

"No kitty, that's a bad kitty!"

Mr. Kitty began to hiss at Cartman.

"Mom! Mr. Kitty's being a dick!"

"Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty that's sleeping with mommy tonight!" Liane replied as she came out and sat down at the table.

"…Ewww…." Cartman uttered once he realized what she probably meant.

It wasn't long after when Liane realized that something was troubling her son.

"Eric, what's wrong?"

Cartman sighed. "It's nothing it's just…well…I can't seem to find a great Christmas gift for Wendy. I don't know what to do! And now with this blizzard supposedly coming tomorrow, I don't know if I have another chance."

Liane began to think of a solution; albeit not entirely sure if it would be a good idea, due to the imminent blizzard.

"Well…I do recall hearing something the other day about North Park's stores having an amazing selection of items that I'm sure your little girlfriend would want."

"North Park!? How am I supposed to get over there and back before the storm hits?"

"Well…you're right. I guess that wouldn't be very safe…sorry sweetie."

Cartman sighed…only to immediately have a light bulb go off in his mind; causing him to put his fingers to his chin in thought.

" _Safe or not…North Park is my last chance…._ "

* * *

 **A/N: And chapter 2 is done! I'm sure I can get the last chapter up by the end of Christmas Day, so stay tuned for that!**

 **Please leave a review!**


	3. Chapter 3

RFSP episode #108

A South Park Christmas

Chapter 3-The holidays are how you see it

 **A/N: December 23** **rd** **, 2015. 11:58 P.M. I just got done binge watching every single Christmas episode of South Park, including Season 18's #REHASH. Yeah, I know that that one's not a Christmas special, but since it's part 1 of a 2 parte episode, and since part 2 is a Christmas special, of course they were going to air it.**

 **Anyways…damn. 4½ hours (9 episodes) straight of not just SP, but TV in general…holy crap…that's a new personal best. I'm probably going to wake up on Christmas Eve with an SP hangover!**

 **But anyways, here's chapter 3!**

* * *

Kyle returned home that night happy. He had finally thought of a great Secret Santa gift idea for Red. Kyle decided that if he REALLY wanted to make a cheap gift matter, he was going to make one himself. As soon as he got home, he went straight up to his room to brainstorm. After dinner was over, Kyle had finally settled on an idea that he was sure Red would love.

"All done!" Kyle said as he put the finishing touches on his creation. Kyle stepped back to admire his work. "I think this just might do it…."

* * *

The next morning, the town of South Park woke up to a fresh snowfall. Stan walked downstairs to see his family gathering a few bags of things to take with them.

"Morning son." Randy greeted Stan.

"Is that stupid snow storm really coming?"

"Coming?" Randy asked. "The weather man's been saying that we're supposed to get a foot and a half of snow!"

"What!?"

"Get whatever you think you might need and let's go."

"Go where?"

"The mayor's having us all take shelter in either your school or the community center. Get your stuff ready and let's get out of here before the snow worsens."

Stan went back upstairs to pack, bemoaning the weather as he did.

"Jesus Christ…how could this Christmas get any worse?"

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Stan met up with Kyle, Kenny, and Butters at the community center.

("Well…at least our parent's aren't freaking the fuck out this time.") Kenny pointed out in an attempt to brighten up the situation. ("That's a plus…right?")

"Even so…." Kyle began. "This holiday's taking a really bad turn."

"So Kyle, did you finally get a gift for Red?" Stan asked when Kenny and Butters were out of ear shot.

"Sort of. I wound up making her one!"

"Really? What'd you make her?"

The boys approached the community center, all glad that unlike other times where they all took shelter there, nobody was in a panic…yet.

Kenny and Butters couldn't find Cartman anywhere.

"Hey fellas!" Butters called to Stan and Kyle once they all got inside. "Have you guys seen Eric anywhere?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "Didn't he come in with us?"

"No…I don't think so."

("He's probably just running late. His weight must be bogging him down!")

The boys got a good laugh out of Kenny's comment before getting serious again.

"I'm sure he'll be here in a few minutes."

* * *

What nobody did know is that Cartman was actually on his way to North Park. He and Liane had arrived at the community center a bit earlier than most people, and when he saw fit, Cartman quietly slipped out of the community center, completely undetected. He was determined to get Wendy a present and be back in time for Christmas Day. Unfortunately, North Park was too long of a distance away, so he wasn't sure if he could make it; but he tried anyway.

Cartman was about two miles away from the northern border of South Park when a truck passed by. To Cartman's surprise, the truck stopped and the driver rolled down the window.

"Uh…fellow? May I ask just what in the hell you're doing wandering around out here when the blizzard of the decade is about to hit full force?"

"Let's just say I'm doing some desperate last minute Christmas shopping." Cartman answered.

The truck driver stared blankly at Cartman for a minute, before snapping back into reality.

"Partner, I do say that that sounds mighty stupid and dangerous of you to be attempting this."

"Yeah, well I didn't ask for YOUR thoughts on it." Cartman retorted.

"So you don't want a lift up to North Park? The storm hasn't started up there yet, and the stores are likely to be open for at least another hour. They'll be closed by the time you walk all the way over there!"

Cartman considered the offer and gave in to it, realizing that he, realistically, had no other choice.

"So who's the least important person on your list this year?" the driver asked.

"Least important?" Cartman asked; raising an eyebrow.

"Well yeah, since you waited until now to get them a present." The driver smirked.

"Ay! First of all, it's my girlfriend, and second of all, I didn't wait until now, but everything that looked like a good gift was either too expensive or everyone else got to it first!"

"If you say so, kid."

"Whatever dude, just get me to North Park already!"

* * *

Back at the South Park community center, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters were huddled together, trying to stay warm and make the best of the situation…if they could that is.

Cartman still hadn't arrived…or so they thought.

"OK people!" Mayor McDaniels announced to the part of town that was in the community center. "We have a generator running both here and at the shelter we made out of the school. Hopefully, we have enough food, water, supplies, and such to get us through. I just listened to the weather on the radio, and they're thinking that this darn storm should hopefully be over by the 26th."

Everyone moaned as they realized that that meant they'd be stuck at the community center during Christmas.

"I know people, I don't like it either, but it'll just have to do. From the looks of it, everyone seems to be accounted for both here and at the school, so try to huddle together to stay warm."

Kyle sighed. "I honestly don't see how the fuck this Christmas could get ANY worse."

("You just had to say that, didn't you?") Kenny berated Kyle.

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked.

("You'll see, trust me.")

Sure enough, something worse did happen not to long after Kenny made his prediction. A few minutes later, a rather panicky Liane Cartman came over to the boys.

"Uh, hello boys. You…wouldn't happen to know where Eric is, would you?" Liane asked as calmly as she could.

Her question only made the boys more worried.

"No…we thought the two of you hadn't arrived yet!" Butters answered.

"Eric and I were one of the first ones here! Oh goodness…." Liane began to fret.

("See? Told you.")

"Oh relax, he could just be taking a really huge shit." Kyle tried to reassure the group.

"Oh no, Eric!" Butters began to get more upset than the others. "He's probably out in the storm! What if he's dead!?"

* * *

Cartman finally got to North Park at 11 A.M. He, sarcastically, thanked the driver, who then proceeded to drive to the North Park community center for shelter. Cartman saw dozens and dozens of North Park residents flee towards a shelter as the storm progressively worsened as he walked around the shopping district. Cartman noticed a jewelry store upon entering the district and proceeded to go inside.

"Damn it!" Cartman heard the cashier say the moment he stepped inside the store.

"Sheesh, what's your problem, dude?" Cartman asked; albeit he couldn't really care less.

"I've been trying to close up shop for the last hour and a half now, but people like you keep coming in! Is there anyone else out there who might come here?"

"No, I wouldn't say so. Everyone else seems to be in a hurry to get to a shelter."

The cashier sighed somewhat aggressively. "I don't know whose bright idea it was to keep some of the stores open for last minute business, but if I ever find him, he'll regret making that decision. But it seems like you're the last person that's bothering to walk over here so-."

"Yeah, whatever, I just need to get something real quick and get out of here."

"Well get it quickly. I want to get out of here before this storm gets any worse."

That's when Cartman realized that a jewelry store definitely wasn't the best option for Wendy's gift, as everything in the store cost hundreds of dollars. However, Cartman, being the manipulative schemer he is, thought up a way to exploit the cashier's desire to leave, and he thought it up quick.

"So…you're in a rush to go, huh?" Cartman began ever so slyly.

"Did you not hear me earlier?"

Cartman waltzed over to a diamond ring that cost about $350.

"So what you're saying is that…as soon as I get something…you can leave."

"Yes, now hurry the hell up!" the cashier snapped back.

"Well…I think I'm going to get this ring but…but…it just costs too much!" Cartman said in a mocking tone of voice. "I'm just a kid you know! How ever will I afford such a high price? I am but a young child that-."

"Alright already, you can have it for $200! Just get the damn thing and go!"

"I would, but you see-."

"Alright fine, $50!"

"Well, the thing about that is-."

"Oh for God's sake, fine! You can have the stupid thing for free! Just get out of here so I can close up and get to a shelter in time!"

Cartman mockingly selected the ring he thought Wendy would love most and left the store. Two minutes later, he heard the door slam as the pissed off cashier began walking towards a shelter.

Having finally gotten a gift for Wendy, Cartman proceeded to head back to South Park, only to realize that it was a LONG walk back and the snow storm had gotten much, much worse.

"OK…maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all."

* * *

It was 1 P.M. by the time Cartman left North Park. He was hoping he could find somebody to drive him back to South Park, but the jewelry store cashier was the last human being he had seen. To make matters worse, Cartman began to feel a little hungry. The snow was now six inches deep, with Cartman trudging through the best he could. By 2 P.M., he was only five miles away from North Park, with still who knows how much further left. The snow was now eight inches deep, severely slowing Cartman down. By 10 P.M. he had only walked another three miles. Cartman was exhausted, hungry, and thirsty, but he kept urging himself onward the best he could.

* * *

At that same time back in South Park, everyone had been made aware of Cartman's absence. Several people offered to go look for him, but nobody was allowed outside, except to do things like checking the generators, due to the severity of the blizzard.

("Why can't they let me out?") Kenny half-complained as he had gotten concerned for Cartman's safety. ("If I freeze to death, I can just warp myself back here!")

"Don't forget, not everyone in the town knows you're immortal dude." Kyle reminded him.

"Eric's mom looks like she's about to go into hysterics over there…poor lady." Butters stated. "Oh gosh fellas…do you think Eric's gonna live?"

"He certainly has enough blubber on him to keep him warm for a good long time!" Kyle joked, only to get an elbow from Kenny.

("Not a good time dude. Anyways, where'd Stan go?")

Kyle motioned towards the back of the community center. "He's over there trying to comfort Wendy."

("Right about now, I think I can officially declare this the worst Christmas ever.")

"No kidding!"

* * *

In a corner of the community center, Stan was doing all he could to try and calm Wendy down. As you would think in this situation, Wendy had only become increasingly worried and anxious since her boyfriend had not shown up yet.

"I'm…sure Cartman's alright…wherever he is." Stan tried to reassure her. Wendy's head was resting against Stan's shoulder, with a tear streaming down her face ever couple of minutes.

"He's certainly been through a hell of a lot worse you know…we all have. I doubt a measly snow storm is going to stop him."

* * *

It was now 1 A.M. on Christmas Day. Most of the folks in the community center had long since fallen asleep. To them, there wasn't any way they could dream of a white Christmas, considering how the full foot of snow had come full force like the weather reports had expected. The snow was falling much, much less heavy, but it didn't make up for the fact that South Park was flat out snowed in with a foot of snow. In short, there's no way anybody could've possibly dreamed of a white Christmas, they were living that thing!

Instead, everyone went to sleep trying to think of anything other than the color white.

Cartman still hadn't come back from North Park yet, and most of South Park had just assumed the worst had happened to him. Wendy had cried herself to sleep that night because of it.

Cartman himself was now reduced to walking, no, trudging about a yard an hour. He desperately tried to keep himself awake the best he could, and even though he had managed to not let the wind rip Wendy's gift out of his hand, he had lost all hope of ever making it back to South Park.

"...uggh…can't go on…any…longer. I…I'm…sorry…W-Wendy."

"W-What's…that…n-noise?"

By now, Cartman was starving, dehydrated, exhausted, and nearing hypothermia. However, despite the seemingly complete loss of his mind from the cold, he couldn't help but hear some kind of cheerful greeting like sound in the distance.

"…Huh? …eww…what…the…hell? Who…took…a…shit?"

* * *

The next morning, the folks in the community center woke up as miserable as ever. The only thing that didn't make it a complete loss for anyone is that they had all brought their Christmas presents. The kids did their Secret Santa exchange.

"So…what exactly did you get Red?" Stan asked Kyle that morning.

Kyle didn't answer and instead motioned towards Red, who was opening her present from Kyle on the other side of the room. Stan and Kyle watched as Red opened the present…and found a homemade Christmas ball ornament, decked in red and green. Kyle had chosen the red and green fusion design not just to symbolize Christmas, but mostly to represent the two of them in a way. Red for Red, and green for Kyle.

Red looked around the room, trying to figure out who gave her the ornament.

"You didn't put your name on it?" Stan asked, unsure why Kyle hadn't done so.

"Nope! That's what the green part of it is for. I'm sure she'll be able to figure it out. Besides, I think she likes it!"

The gift exchange continued until all the gifts had been handed out. Stan gave Earl Davis the computer keyboard he had bought him (as he had overheard Earl say that his had broken) and later gave Bebe the scarf he got her; much to her delight.

"You holding up alright?" Stan asked Wendy later in the day.

Wendy sighed. "I don't know…I wish Cartman was here."

It was a few minutes after she said that, that everyone was startled by a loud banging noise on the community center's front door. With everyone hoping it was Cartman, a bunch of people immediately rushed over to try and pry the door open, since it was buried in a foot of snow.

It took them a few minutes of struggling, but the group finally managed to get it open…only for a huge pile of snow to fall inside, allowing the doorway to clear up.

"Did you guys hear that?" Kyle asked his friends. Very faintly in the distance, Kyle heard a low-sounding "Howdy ho!" coming from outside. The boys rushed over to the door, and instantly became 200% more happy then they had been in the past few days when they saw the Hankey family, along with Cartman!

"Cartman!"

"Mr. Hankey!"

Wendy wasted no time in immediately throwing her arms around Cartman to hug him. She didn't let go of him until a few minutes afterwards.

("Dude, what the hell happened to you out there!? Where the fuck were you!?")

Cartman began to share his experience. "Well, I had to go to North Park for a last minute Christmas gift. Some asshole drove me there, but by the time I was done shopping, the storm had kicked in full force. Then at some point last night, I had basically given up, when Mr. Hankey showed up!"

"Howdy ho boys and girls!" Mr. Hankey greeted the town of South Park. "Boy, it sure does smell like flowers! Howdy ho Kyle!"

"Mr. Hankey! Is Simon OK now?" Kyle asked.

"He sure is Kyle! Thanks for keeping your faith in me! Now that I'm here, this Christmas can be a lot more cheerier!"

And with a wave of his hand, Mr. Hankey materialized a Christmas tree in the middle of the room. Everyone immediately began to drool over it out of happiness, as most of them had not seen a Christmas tree all season due to the shortage.

Wendy and Cartman went into a corner to exchange gifts. Wendy made absolutely no hesitation in questioning why the hell Cartman headed all the way up to North Park to get a present.

"Honestly Cartman, did you really think the snow storm wouldn't get in your way?" Wendy asked.

"Well, duh!" Cartman replied. "Of course the plan sounded dumb…but I did it for you!"

Cartman pulled the box with the ring he had gotten out of his coat pocket. Wendy gasped when she saw it, knowing what could be inside. She opened the box and immediately fell in love with the diamond ring Cartman bought her.

"It's…it's beautiful!" Wendy rejoiced as she immediately kissed Cartman on the cheek. "How were you able to afford this?"

Cartman chuckled. "Let's just say that I know somebody who has a really bad impatience problem!"

Wendy and Cartman embraced in another hug, both happy that they got to spend Christmas together after all. The people of South Park realized that day that even if a holiday looks like it might suck, ultimately, the holidays are what you make it.

* * *

 **A/N: So my fellow readers, I hope you enjoyed my Christmas gift to you! The final chapter of this story! I apologize that the ending was a bit abrupt, for lack of a better word, but I didn't really know any better way to expand on it.**

 **Time for me to get back to work on episode 7!**

 **All reviews are appreciated! I wish you all a very merry Christmas! Happy holidays! :)**


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